Each week Mike McGranaghan, film critic for The Aisle Seat will give you brief reviews of films currently playing in the Central Susquehanna Valley....
from 94KX/Eagle 107/Newsradio 1070 WKOK.
 
Additional and in depth reviews of films by Movie Mike  may be found at:

 

Alexander
Alexander the Great conquered 90% of the known world by the time he was 25 years old. By the time I was 25, I had conquered the entire TastyKake product  line. What did you do? In director Oliver Stone's new film “Alexander,” 28-year old Colin Farrell plays the title character, and 29-year old Angelina Jolie plays his mother. What, did she have the child when she was one? And who was the father - R. Kelly? The movie traces Alexander's tear through Asia, where he pretty much seized any country that wasn't nailed down. The problem here is that much of the story involves people standing around talk, talk, talking. Lots of names and locations and battle strategies get endlessly tossed around. Listening to this movie is like having someone read to you from a textbook. I mean, can you believe that in a 3-hour movie, there are only two battle scenes?  You'd think Alexander the Great conquered Freeburg, not Asia. It doesn't help that the characters are one-dimensional or that the stars overact like there's no tomorrow. You won't find many people who admire and respect Oliver Stone more than I, but I have a confession to make: I gave up on this movie. By the end of the second hour, I realized that I wasn't even paying attention anymore. The historical figure may have been Alexander the Great, but the movie is Alexander the Boring. (1 ½ stars)


National Treasure
“National Treasure” stars Nicolas Cage as a guy who believes that there's a treasure map written in invisible ink on the back of the Declaration of Independence. He also believes in UFOs, Bigfoot, and hidden messages in the Mona Lisa. To prove his point - and to keep the document away from a bad guy who also thinks it has a treasure map - Cage plots to steal the Declaration. Of course, a hero like this needs a blonde hottie to help him out. In this case, she's Diane Kruger, playing a very gullible employee of the National Archives. “National Treasure” gives new meaning to the word "dumb." For starters, the Declaration of Independence can't be stolen. Also, the heist is laughably preposterous. The plan Cage hatches wouldn’t be any less believable if it involved a squadron of flying monkeys. This story is a blatant rip-off of Dan Brown's best seller "The Da Vinci Code." Both are ridiculous, self-important pieces of junk that try to combine historic academia with preposterous, overblown action sequences. Nothing that happens in this movie is even remotely possible. Nothing. Knowing that makes it extremely hard to take seriously. “National Treasure” is one of the funniest movies of the year. Too bad it’s not a comedy. (1 ½ stars)


Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
Renee Zellweger famously gained a lot of weight to star in the movie “Bridget Jones’s Diary.” She did whatever the opposite of the Atkins diet is. For the sequel – “Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason” – Zellweger once again puts on a few extra pounds to play the most insecure, neurotic British woman this side of Scary Spice. The film finds Bridget happily in love with her boyfriend (Colin Firth), but unable to stop thinking that she’ll screw things up. This ultimately turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy, which then sends Bridget back into the arms of her sleazy ex-boss (Hugh Grant). Oh, and she also ends up in a Thai prison for drug smuggling. That last little bit of plot ruined Helen Fielding’s book (after all, isn’t this supposed to be a romantic comedy?), and it nearly threatens to ruin the film as well. Fortunately, though, the stars keep that from happening. Colin Firth and Hugh Grant are hilarious, and Renee Zellweger is once again irresistibly cute and adorable as Bridget Jones. “The Edge of Reason” is not as good as the original, but it’s still worth seeing if you’re an unhappy singleton or anyone else who hates emotional @#$%-wits. (3 stars)

The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? No, it's not Michael Jackson. It's SpongeBob SquarePants. Although, like SpongeBob, Michael Jackson's nose is absorbent, yellow, and porous. Anyway, Nickolodeon's most popular cartoon character comes to the big screen in “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.” The story finds the evil amoeba Plankton plotting to steal King Neptune's crown so that he can rule the undersea world and swipe the recipe for those delicious Krabby Patties. SpongeBob and his starfish friend Patrick set out on a dangerous mission to reclaim the crown so that the inhabitants of Bikini Bottom can once again safely eat Krabby Patties and play with reef blowers. If what I've just said makes no sense to you, then “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie” may not be your cup of tea. On the other hand, those of us who are  SpongeBob fanatics should consider this movie the mother ship calling us home. The film takes the kind of humor we expect and cranks it up a notch. I laughed myself silly, especially at the end when SpongeBob and Patrick get help from  none other than David Hasselhoff. Man, is this movie gonna be big in Germany! “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie” has terrific animation and more laughs than you can shake a chum bucket at.
(3 ½ stars)

Polar Express

In “The Polar Express,” a little boy who no longer believes in Santa is surprised to wake up in the middle of the night and find a train in his front yard. Man, Amtrak is really getting out of hand, isn't it? The boy hops the train when he learns it's supposedly headed for the North Pole. On board, he meets a kindly conductor, played by Tom Hanks, who likes to dance and sing about the joys of hot chocolate. Sounds to me like he's been drinking something else, if you know what I mean. The trip to the North Pole is fraught with danger, but a mysterious hobo keeps popping up to make sure the train arrives at its destination safely. “The Polar Express” uses a computer-animation technique known as motion capture. It involves taking an actor's physical movements as well as his or her voice, then turning it into a piece of digital animation. This process allowed Tom Hanks to play not only the Conductor, but also Santa Claus, the hobo, and even the little boy! For all I know, he probably played the train too. If I had to sum up “The Polar Express” in one word, that word would be "magical." The movie is packed with amazing images, and the story sweeps you up in its sense of childhood wonder and imagination. This is the kind of film that deserves to become a holiday classic. It's outstanding. (4 stars)

Seed Of Chucky

Despite the fact that he’s only a doll, Chucky has had a more swinging lifestyle than some people I know. In “Bride of Chucky” he got married, and in the new movie “Seed of Chucky” he has a child. You know, the idea of murderous dolls procreating is enough to make you believe in forced sterilization, huh? When Chucky and his bride Tiffany decide to have more kids, they hatch a plan to kidnap actress Jennifer Tilly and inseminate her. Yeah, right. Forget Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry, and Angelina Jolie – it’s Jennifer Tilly that Chucky wants to fertilize. What’s the matter, Chucky? Was Estelle Getty not available? As I describe “Seed of Chucky,” I realize that it probably sounds more interesting than it really is. Some of the ideas are clever, but the movie doesn’t know what to do with them. The “funny” parts aren’t remotely funny enough, and the “scary” parts are just gory for their own sake. Personally, if they make another of these pictures, I hope it’s called “Death of Chucky.” (1 ½ stars)

The Incredibles

Pixar Animation Studios has made six movies so far and they've all been winners. Pixar is like the Ken Jennings of the motion picture industry. Their latest film is “The Incredibles”. If ever a movie lived up to its title, this is the one.  Get this: the whole thing was animated on a computer! Incredible! The story is about a family of superheroes led by Mr. Incredible and his wife Elastagirl.  With names like that, I bet they had a wild honeymoon! The family is called out of retirement to fight a nasty bad guy named Syndrome, who is kidnapping superheroes for incredibly evil purposes. Helping the family out is their colleague Frozone, a master of ice manipulation who's kind of like Brian Boitano in a superhero costume. Voices in the movie are provided by a series of big-name actors including Craig T. Nelson, Holly Hunter, Jason Lee, and Samuel L. Jackson. The cast is even more incredible than the fact that Paris Hilton is actually a high school graduate. “The Incredibles” is a bit different from the other Pixar movies. It's a little longer, its rated PG, and the story is a bit darker and more complex. However, the things we all know and love about Pixar movies are still there, such as lovable characters, gorgeous animation, and lots and lots of big laughs. This is fun for the whole family. “The Incredibles” is, well, incredible. (3 ½ stars)

Saw

“Saw” is about a serial killer who cuts jigsaw pieces of out his victims' flesh. Well that's one puzzle I wouldn't want to put together. The killer's hobby is creating elaborate torture scenarios to see if he can get people to mutilate themselves. For the main attraction, he locks two men in a dingy old basement with their legs chained to the walls. They have six hours to escape, using clues hidden around the room. Or, if they can't wait that long, they can take the saw he has conveniently provided and cut through their own feet. As you can tell, “Saw” is one sick and twisted movie. How sick and twisted? Well, Charles Manson called it "the feel-good movie of the year." To be honest, two hours of watching people get tortured is not my idea of entertainment. I might have been more outraged by “Saw” had it not been so completely and totally ridiculous. For starters, the killer has way too much time on his hands if he's coming up with all these deranged little puzzles. Whatever happened to the days when movie serial killers just killed people? Why do they all have to have gimmicks now? I also objected to the way “Saw” tries to make torture look cool, and to the twist ending, which is unintentionally hilarious. I can imagine a good Hitchcock-style movie being made from this material, but “Saw” is just a pointless exercise in shock value. (1 star)

The Grudge

The Grudge” is a remake of a Japanese horror film called “Ju-On.” For those of you who don't speak Japanese, the title translates to "Hey, don't screw up my movie when you remake it." Here's the premise: whenever someone dies in a state of rage, an evil curse is born. I think this explains Donald Trump's hair. Sarah Michelle Gellar plays an American exchange student in Tokyo who encounters the curse in a spooky house. Before long, she falls victim to the curse and starts being terrorized by whatever spirit lives in the home's attic. “The Grudge” has all kinds of disturbing images: creepy demon children, ghostly apparitions, shadowy figures lurking in dark corners. About the only disturbing thing you won't see in the movie is that footage of Ashlee Simpson on "Saturday Night Live." By the way, I'm lip synching this review. The visual style in “The Grudge” is amazing and the scary images definitely pack a punch. What's missing is a good story to pull us through. Only in the last ten minutes do we learn why the curse was created, and by then it's too little too late. In other words, the movie looks great but there's no reason to really get involved in what's happening. The obvious comparison is to “The Ring,” another remake of a Japanese horror film. It too had lots of creepy visuals, but the story was strong enough to keep us glued from start to finish. “The Grudge” is fun to look at, but the weak plot keeps it from generating any real scares. (2 ½ stars)

Shall We Dance

“Shall We Dance?” is a remake of a Japanese film from a few years ago. Since most of us don’t live in Japan, most of us probably never saw it. (How’s that for reasoning?) Richard Gere plays a man who loves his wife (Susan Sarandon) but is generally bored with life. Every day as he rides home on the el train, he notices Jennifer Lopez standing in the window of a dance studio, so he goes in and decides to take ballroom dancing lessons. And once again, J. Lo lures a man into her seductive web! Although to many of us ballroom dancing seems about as exciting as…well, ballroom dancing…Gere finds that doing the waltz and the tango makes him feel like a new man. Yeah, it wouldn’t have anything to do with rubbing up against Jennifer Lopez, would it? “Shall We Dance?” isn’t about a Gere/Lopez romance, though. It’s about how this uptight, bored guy rediscovers the meaning of passion, which ultimately makes things more exciting with his wife. The plot is mostly predictable, but the cast is terrific and the dancing is surprisingly fun to watch. Don’t be a wallflower – accept this invitation to cut a rug. (3 stars)